Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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