If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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