yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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