if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
