I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize