i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
