you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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