The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
