she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
