Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
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It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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