Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
