Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
