'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I can text with my tongue
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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