I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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