Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He better not be in your backpack
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
