Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
