I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
