I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
