Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
