four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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