Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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