there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
