My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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