Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
