i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My penis needs a shock collar
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
