i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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