from now on my penis is your penis
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
