Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
