That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
