Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
