and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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