im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
why do cheetos always look like penises
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
