Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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