he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
