I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
