All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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