I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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