The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
