i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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