you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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