I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
