I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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