I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
