If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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