3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
