i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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