Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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