You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize