I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
