I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
