wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
