member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He passed out mid-signature
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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