I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
