Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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