what day is it and did you see me today?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
