Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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