First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
