I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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