i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
