I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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