Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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